GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
they're like a gay fantastic four
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
