I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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