dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
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He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I came so hard my ears popped.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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