Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
