Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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