So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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