i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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