I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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