I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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