I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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