We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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