that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
These tits shall not be calmed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
