Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
