News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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