Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
