seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
