I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
