I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
