the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
