It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
