I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
