My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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