I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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