Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
