Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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