she looked like the bat from fern gully.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
