before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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