My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need to calm my uterus...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
