Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She announced her abortion via fbk
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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