4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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