I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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