I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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