I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
