hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
