Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
