swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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