Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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