i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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