She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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