Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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