I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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