Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
