Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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