Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
