I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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