I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
