My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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