Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
