Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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