First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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