I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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