Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
