I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
